


You Don't Have to Hear me Dreaming to Figure it out ... for the Silence is When you Will Hear the Loudest Sounds

by DreamyScience



Category: Gintama
Genre: Also this fic was supposed to be short????, Anal Sex, Anxiety, Because I sure can, Blow Jobs, Can you guys tell that I suck with creating titles?, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, GinHijiGin, He's not allowed to feel pain, I am also shit with summaries, I just want them to be happy, I'm Sorry, M/M, Mostly fucking fluff though, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Probably ooc, Thank you for wasting your time to read this, especially Gintoki, i don't know what happened, it's all there
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-01
Updated: 2016-09-01
Packaged: 2018-08-12 10:04:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7930519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DreamyScience/pseuds/DreamyScience
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gintoki needs to clear his head and is way too comfortable with using Hijikata's first name; meanwhile the demon vice-commander catches on quickly to more than he should.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Don't Have to Hear me Dreaming to Figure it out ... for the Silence is When you Will Hear the Loudest Sounds

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE READ NOTES FOR UNSPECIFIED WARNINGS:
> 
> Finally, after ninety million years I post my second fic on this site! Whoo!
> 
> This actually didn't take that long to write, I just have school and stuff. Let me mention that there is drunk sex involved here, but it's mostly just Gintoki being a little tipsy (just in case anyone is uncomfortable with the idea of that). There is also some violence, and heavy hints that point toward mental illness (especially anxiety, PTSD, depression, suicide, etc.), please take note of this before you read.
> 
> There are a few of my own headcanons in this fic, and though I tried to project the characters the way that they are in the anime I think I may have smothered them with a lot of my own preferences in regard to character qualities and I'm sorry about that ;w;: I hope that you can enjoy it anyway I did work hard on it and Gintoki and Hijikata are my babies.
> 
> As a side note I'm also open to constructive criticism because I never miss an opportunity to improve my writing. Please don't hesitate to yell at me about something like typos, etc., and hit me up on tumblr: adorkable-mustang.tumblr.com
> 
> Thank you!

Nightmares are just another one of those things that don’t make him perfect.

The worst things about them is the unconscious writhing, kicking, panting, sometimes even silent screaming.

It would just be the screaming if his brain were kinder, but _no,_ he had to wake in a cold sweat thinking that he was covered in blood with his heart hurting too. The images were still flashing before his eyes … clear as ever, and the _pain …_  

… none of it ever technically really stopped …

… but in the quiet alone moments after the nightmares, when he’s trapped in his own mind, he _feels everything_.

He stared at the ceiling and allowed himself to experience yet another one of his dissociation spells in an attempt to try and remain as in control as his body would allow when mistakes, and battles, and blood, and gore decided to stay playing like a movie (with him as the protagonist) would.

He had to get exceptionally good at pretending that everything was alright regardless: He had Kagura and Shinpachi to worry about now, he didn’t need _them_ worrying about _him_.

A few minutes pass.

He didn’t think his mind would make it go away.The images were still flashing.

An hour.

It wasn’t stopping. Terror surges through him and he could feel his heart racing because for a moment his dissociating stops. He subconsciously reaches for his bokken, eager to fight the memories of his past that he constantly wishes no longer existed. 

Three hours.

Four.

Five.

He would have to do _something_ about this.

Just for a short while.

Just _one_ night.

He got up and got dressed quickly and quietly, then walked over to where Sadaharu was sleeping and pet him gently: One of the only times he would ever show the little (or rather big) shit any sort of vulnerability.

“Keep an eye on her. I won’t be gone for long.” He gave one last guilty look towards where Kagura was sleeping before leaving their apartment with his hand tucked into his yukata.

…

He had entered the rock bottom of Edo –or more appropriately- the trash can of Edo (?) He wasn’t exactly sure which one was worse.

He thought he fit in perfectly with the amount of trash and questionably alive bodies lying around on the streets, those of which reeked of alcohol, puke, both, or something unimaginably worse. He entered into a decrepit brick building and was nearly immediately flocked by one of his “co-workers” who had perfectly long, silky, un-permy dark purple hair, and nearly irresistibly beautiful dark green eyes.

She often forgets that he’s not a customer or at least, often likes to pretend to.

“Sakata-san, what can I do for you today?”

On reflex he smiles as sweetly as possible and chuckles softly, “You know that I’m not one to follow rules lady, but you know that’s against the policy, and we’ll both be killed,” he gently presses his thumb to her eager lips that were approaching his, “I’m _not_ a customer, and I’m not here for _you_ anyway.”

She gaped at him for a short while, seeming to be in the process of understanding his rejection, and then huffed off silently.

Gintoki smiles a little wider at her response, allowing just a little bit of his inner sadist to show. As usual he’s greeted by the scent of sex and alcohol in the decrepit building. As he approaches the front desk where a completely uninterested looking Amanto stands. He feels his smile turn into a mischievous smirk.

 “You already know that I’m still not going to pay you any more than last time.”

“Ah, that’s fine, you don’t have to,” his voice held a teasing tone to it as he slipped the money he had already taken from behind the counter when counter-man wasn’t paying attention into the back of his pants, “we’re all just here to have a good time right?”

“Someone will be sent to your room momentarily.” All he received in return for his comment was the driest deadpan he’d ever heard in his entire life. He smiles, takes his key off of the key-rack hanging behind the Amanto, and walks to his room full of false confidence.

…

He drank to his heart’s content; positive that it might have even stopped a couple times (which in this case was a good thing because he would rather have it stop than betting so fast that his chest would explode). The alcohol wasn’t necessarily _for_ him, but he figured why not, it’s there, and he needed it.

He hums as a numb feeling spreads throughout his body, and his mind feels a light buzz. He almost didn’t notice his “customer” entering the dark room, and nearly fell off the bed he was lounging on while struggling to sit up.

They both went completely silent, it almost felt like time had stopped yet again for him that day. This was twice now, but not nearly as terrifying as the first time. Not to mention, he welcomed this kind of danger.

He could tell that the person he would be pleasing was no woman, and wondered if they had figured out the same about him. It didn’t really matter; he was in the mood to be particularly mouth fucked anyway (that’s what these types of customers around here usually wanted): It always allowed him to express and feel the things that he’d always felt without having to actually harm himself. Win-win. The other person could only be described as perfectly aggressive when they walk over and grab him, strong hands groping his body. They didn’t really bother trying to kiss him, which albeit a little awkward, he strongly appreciates since he would probably throw up into their mouth anyway. He feels his back hit the wall, and senses them staring _intensely_ into his eyes (sensing being the only thing he could really do since everything was pitch blackness). He laughs softly and slides down their body slowly.

He exhales softly over their hardening dick after he hears the pants in front of him unzipping, His hair is gripped tightly, and he moans a little bit at the feeling. It seemed like whoever they were seriously subconsciously knew he wanted to be handled as rough as possible despite never even exchanging words.

He opens his mouth wide in welcome as he felt their _warm, pulsing_ member touch his lips, soft whimpering could be heard from above, as if the person was barely holding himself together. His trembling hands grips the sides of their hips, which was a signal they immediately seemed to pickup on. He didn’t even gag as his head is shoved down, he just licks the underside of the now incredibly hard dick with his tongue.

A very soft _“fuck”_ could faintly be heard from above him as they continue to thrust harder and harder into his mouth.

Gintoki’s eyes immediately shot open. That voice was familiar, and although he could feel fear creeping into every nerve in his body, he tried to convince himself it wasn’t who he thought it was. He was just hearing things, being paranoid, that’s right. There’s no way a demon vice-commander would be-

His thoughts were cut short by the cum that filled his mouth without any semblance of warning.

“ _Yorozuya_. I know that’s you.” Hijikata says in an almost shaky voice.

On the inside Gintoki was _screaming_ , but on the outside he was still a little buzzed because of the alcohol, and forcing himself to keep his usual lackadaisical composure because of that.

“It only seems appropriate to meet a no-good demon in a no-good place like this.”

Hijikata growls in response, and then does something that Gintoki doesn’t quite register due to the numb feeling in his body and especially his head. The only thing he knew was that he was picked up and thrown on the bed that was behind them.

Hijikata was then looming over him with one knee on his right side, even in pitch darkness Gintoki could feel those sharp intelligent eyes glaring down at him. He arches his back and runs his hands up and down Hijikata’s chest.

Hijikata wasn’t buying his attempt at a distraction.

“What the fuck are you doing here anyway? I should arrest you right now.”

“Oh. I come here every now and then to fuck. Just another job, and based on the amount of your cum in my mouth I would say I’m doing pretty good.”

“You’re hiding something and I’m going to ask you again, why are you here?”

 For only a flicker of a second, Gintoki pauses, completely caught off guard by being asked a second time, before quickly recovering. He slowly eases his hands up Hijikata’s back, and leans up to kiss his neck.

 He was ignoring the fact that Hijikata wasn’t pulling away from him or showing signs of disgust at his advances.

“You followed me didn’t you? Naughty Oogushi-kun. Stalking isn’t something I’m fond of. You should arrest _yourself_ for it.”

“If I see a suspicious perm-head bastard walking around what else do you expect me to do?”

“You seem to be interested in more than just taking me to jail.” He leaves a hickey on Hijikata’s chest after he unbuttons his shirt and removes his cravat. “I can _show_ you why I’m here if you really want me to.”

Hijikata hisses in response and pulls hard on his hair again, pushing him down and kissing him roughly, refusing to stop until they both desperately needed air.

“Why’re you being so submissive?” Hijikata whispers as if he fears being heard.

“Hm?”

“You never struck me as the type … it’s kinda pissing me off.”

“Me neither, but you actually seem to really like it.” He purrs in response.

“Why does that matter?”

“They want me to please the customers. I told you it’s a job _idiot_ ,” Hijikata asks too many questions, and they all seemed to have answers that would hit the nail on the head which is the exact opposite of what Gintoki wants. The nailhead needs to stay away from the hammer the same way his nightmares need to stay in his head, and far away from his mouth. “Are you going to shove your dick up my ass or what? I don’t care if you use lube or not but put on a condom. Who knows what _weird_ Shinsengumi diseases you have on that thing.”

Hijikata growls but silently begins to kiss him, softer and slowly this time.

“Where’s the fuckin’ lube?”

“Oh, that’s … almost sweet,” Gintoki pulls the bottle from under the pillow his laying on and gently places it in Hijikata’s hand. Hijikata pulls down Gintoki’s pants with one quick movement, and then puts on the condom that was handed to him along with the lube. Gintoki pulled him down for another kiss as he feels two fingers being pushed inside of him. They stretch him surprisingly slow and almost careful, as if Hijikata were making sure that it wouldn’t hurt. This was weird because he didn’t really want it to hurt anymore as much as he did before and he hated how the silky-haired bastard knew; As if he were instinctually picking up on Gintoki’s thoughts and feelings again, a habit that usually results in _disaster_ for them both.

Hijikata positions himself and the first thrust is aggressive but almost … unsure? Hijikata stops their kissing and buries his face in Gintoki’s neck. Right before he can ask Hijikata whether or not he’s actually done something like this with another guy before, Gintoki’s prostate is struck, causing him to be cut off by a silent scream, that quickly eases into a moan. Hijikata’s thrusts get faster and relentless, and Gintoki is actually tempted to scream his name wondering how he even found his prostate on the goddamn _first_ try, but instead he digs his nails into Hijikata’s shoulder blades, and bites down on his shoulder to muffle the sounds that are trying to escape.

“-you …”

“W-what?” He manages to pant out.

“I want you to cum while I’m still inside of you …” Hijikata responds right into his ear, “I put on the condom, so do what I say.”

Gintoki smiles against his shoulder.

“What a strange request, If I didn’t know any better I would say that you actually have feelings for me, _Toushiro-kun_.” He moans out Hijikata’s first name, intentionally.

A strained sound escapes Hijikata’s throat when he comes.

“W-whoa …” Gintoki mutters.

“You can’t say something like that directly into my ear, bastard.”

“It was … just a joke … “

Hijikata is silent in response to that.

“ … You must feel pretty embarrassed, huh?”

“S-shut-up … H-how do I … grr …”

“It’s alright I’ve kind of gone soft anyway. It’s already awkward, and less enticing when I can’t see your face.” Gintoki presses their foreheads together, “I wouldn’t mind doing this somewhere else though, later, if you’re not too busy stalking people.”

Again there’s silence before Hijikata begins to ask, “Do you want to- …?”

“Hm?”

“I-if you’re not- …”

“I don’t understand dumb demon speak.”

“ …-go out b-before that?”

“You mean like a date?” He pushes Hijikata’s hair back with one hand, and doesn’t need the lights on to see that the other man’s face was completely red.

_That’s actually kind of cute …_

“Sure.” Gintoki smiles, “surprisingly old fashioned, but I find that kind of charming.”

_How come with you my mind is finally clear?_

…

They leave in kind of a hurry due to Hijikata’s embarrasement. Well, to be more precise, Hijikata leaves in a hurry, and Gintoki follows, but not before parting ways with the behind the counter amanto and stealing a little extra money.

“You’re really quick to get off Oogushi-kun.”

A bright shade of red comes over Hijikata’s face, but before he can yell in response Gintoki takes the opportunity to shove his tongue into his mouth. Hijikata immediately jerks back in response, and then bops Gintoki on the head causing him to whine.

“Keep your mouth to yourself, goddammit we’re outside!”

“Huh? Nobody cares around here.” There was a pause, and then intense staring. “I was right, it’s a lot more enticing when I can see your face.”

“You never answered my question.” Hijikata lights a cigarette hanging in his mouth and responds to Gintoki in a monotone.

All he gets in response is that same dead fish eye stare, A smile slowly creeps along Giintoki’s face before he turns to leave.

“I’m going home. This was fun.”

…

He slept worse than usual that night, this time he could’ve sworn he’d gotten up to walk around a few times without realizing it.

Too many voices screaming at him that he can’t protect anyone, too much blood running into his eyes, and too little time to convince himself that it was all just a dream, so it’s all brushed off as nothing, because that’s exactly what it is, _nothing_.

And to make matters worse he was hungover and had sunlight waltzing into his room as if it owned the place. When did daytime even happen? It’s only been five or six minutes.

“Shut up sun, no one cares, Yorozuya Gin-san is closed only for you, so leave …”

Kagura happened to walk into his room at the same time, carelessly sliding open the door and rubbing her eye groggily.

“Gin-san, there’s no more rice.” She walks onto his stomach, earning a yelp from him.

“First the sun and then a crazy child!” Gintoki wheezes.

“I’m a woman.” Is all he gets in response to his struggling underneath her.

“If you _kill_ me there will be no more rice-“, he gets cut off by her foot on his face, and then more sunlight streaming into his eyes.

“Wake-up. I’m hungry, and Shinpachi is gone for the week. Otae stole him for something weird remember? You have to be the responsible adult now Gin-san.”

“You claim to be a woman, go out and get your own rice. Let me sleep, it’s too early. The Yorozuya is closed for you too, take the sun and leave.”

She was silent after that, for a long time, and a cold feeling surges through him.

“ _You can’t protect anyone, and it will always be too late to change that._ ”

When Takasugi entered his room he wasn’t sure.

When Kagura had turned into him he was even less sure.

Then it all hit him in an instant, he looked down and realized that he should’ve died sitting on that grave. He didn’t deserve what Otose did for him, was still doing for him.

He should’ve _starved_ to death back then. He should’ve _froze_ to death back then.

He should’ve been the one to die during the war, instead of all those other comrades who _always_ took his place.

He could feel the blade of a sword on the back of his neck, but he isn’t afraid ...

His eyes shoot open.

He blinks a couple of times, and now he was staring at the ceiling above him, he was covered in sweat, and unable to bring himself to move. It was still dark outside, and quiet in the Yorozuya office. He got up slowly -due to his pounding head- and went to go and check the place where Kagura usually slept.

Empty.

The way it should be.

Shinpachi was nowhere to be found either.

The way that it _should_ be.

He’d given Shinpachi and Kagura the money to go and get food a while ago; it was evening back then, perhaps late afternoon. He remembers being scolded for smelling of alcohol, and being attacked by Sadaharu for accidentally stepping on his tail. Shinpachi told him that he had to go see Otae about some fairly serious business and Kagura wanted to join in order to get some extra “ _real_ food” and sleep in her “ _own_ room”.

He took a moment to actually pinch himself, like he’d always seen on TV.

He was home now.

It was just a dream.

This was real.

Those thoughts, those emotions, the sword taking his head off … that was fake.

That had never happened before. He could’ve sworn he was awake. He always knew when he was awake because he hated to be disturbed from his sleep.

_How much of the past few days was only a dream? How can I even tell anymore? I’m tired of this._

He began to dissociate again when he leaned on the wall and then slowly slid down, but a knock at his door caught his attention. He _wanted_ to ignore it.

“Bastard, you left your lube _and_ your empty ass wallet with _me_! What the hell am I supposed to do with …” Hijikata trails off. Gintoki just stares at him blankly.

“Oh. Thanks. I didn’t mean to …”

Hijikata pulls him into a biting kiss, and then pushes his way inside, shutting the door behind him.

Gintoki tries not to respond because he doesn’t want to be touched. He doesn’t want to be kissed. He just wants to sit and stare at the wall, or lie down and stare at the ceiling and force himself to stay awake so that he doesn’t have to experience another _stupid_ nightmare.

So why was he giving in to being pinned on the floor, touched all over, and kissed down his neck? He moans softly and scratches at Hijikata’s back.

“I don’t want to … not now …” he whispers as he arches into Hijikata’s hand which happens to be wrapped around his dick.“I-I want to be alone … stupid demon … who do you think you are … coming into my house like this … should have you arrested … s-still …” he manages to whine out. Hijikata starts to stroke him and he mewls, wondering when his pants were pulled down, and when his pajama shirt was unbuttoned.

“Do you really want me to stop?” Gintoki pulls him back when he tries to pull away and buries his face in his shoulder. At that Hijikata continues to stroke him and nips and his jaw, eventually pressing their foreheads together. He stares into Gintoki’s red eyes that seem to almost be glowing due to the fact that they were glazed over with lust and he could feel himself slowly going insane: 1) because Gintoki was too beautiful for his own damn good, 2) because he could see something else hidden behind those dead fish eyes.

_So stupid. Always keeping all this pain to yourself. You don’t have to do that anymore._

“ _H-hijika- … T-toushiro- …”_ Gintoki comes into his hand with a loud moan. Hijikata feels a shudder run through Gintoki’s body, then he goes limp and laughs softly.

“You’re always so intense, even with something like a simple handjob ...” Gintoki wraps his arms his neck and stares back into clear blue eyes, “… mmm … I hate that about you. …” he starts to kiss Hijikata again, this time grinding against him. “You know what I love about you though …?” He bites his bottom lip and whispers into Hijikata’s ear, earning a shiver and a groan.

“You don’t have to.”

“… Huh?”

“ ‘m fine.”

Gintoki stares at him with pure genuine incredulity spread across his features.

“Your dick is so hard it could break a boulder in half, and you’re telling me that you’re fine?”

“You heard me … j-just leave it at that dumbass ... I’ll take care of it myself … ”

The incredulity turns into concern.

“Toushiro-kun? Is this _really_ my _Toushiro-kun_?”

Hijikata snarls and nips at his bottom lip, “I t-told you not to call me that … haah … your _fucking_ knee ...”

“Eh? What about it?”

“ _Rubbing against my-_ “

“Yeah.” Gintoki smirks at him, “Does it feel good?”

 “I-I told you … you don’t have to …”

“I know, but I’m just as stubborn as you, you see.”

Hijikata tries to pull away, but Gintoki pulls him back just as quickly and _clings_ to him.

“I want you to. Please.”

…

“Where-“

“Don’t use a condom this time.”

“O-oh.”

Gintoki snickers at the soft blush that spreads over Hijikata’s face. “So cute, Hijikata-kun. This is honestly surprising …” Gintoki removes his jacket, and unbuttons his shirt slowly, and removes his cravat. “I like this side of you …” He unzips Hijikata’s pants, and feels his hardening dick through his boxers.

Meanwhile Hijikata had just been staring at Gintoki the whole time causing him to pause.

“You’re quiet-”

The understanding is soundless, and time stops for the third time that day, when he realizes that those crystal blue eyes were asking him a question that he will always refuse to answer.

Gintoki smiles and cups Hijikata’s face and pulls him in for a deep kiss that gets more heated when they feel their erections rubbing against each other. Hijikata completely pulls off Gintoki’s pants and coats his fingers with lube. A soft hiss escapes Gintoki this time when he feels two fingers slowly spreading him, he clings to Hijikata and moans softly into his shoulder.

“You know what I h-hate about you … ? … stupid Yorozuya …” Hijikata pants out as he slides into Gintoki slowly.

He just gets a soft eager moan in response, and the shaking of silver hair telling him no. For only a moment Gintoki was actually vulnerable, and Hijikata could see it in his eyes, before he immediately put his walls back up.

“I _hate_ how you think that it’s all fucking invisible.”

Hijikata’s thrust cuts off whatever Gintoki was gonna say with a loud moan. Seems he got lucky a second time with finding his prostate on the first try.

“I’m not gonna say anything about it … not yet … and I hate that too …” His thrusts get faster and he bites down on Gintoki’s neck, making sure to leave a mark. He can feel his hair being pulled and feels strong legs wrapping around his waist and _feels_ Gintoki arching his back so that their chests rub together and fuck he’s actually being distracted by how he feels like he’s losing his mind because of some sexy perm-haired bastard.

“H-haah … _T-toushiro_ …” Gintoki openly moans and then smirks against his ear before biting his earlobe.

_S-shit the little fuck figured it out, and he’s not even trying to hide that he did anymore …_

“ _I-I’m-_ “ Gintoki comes and Hijakata can feel that too because it pushes him right over the edge when everything is suddenly tighter. He can hear his name dripping repeatedly from Gintoki’s lips like a spell, and the others man’s heart pounding so hard he was expecting it to burst out of Gintoki’s chest which was sticky now with his own cum.

“There’s _so_ much-”

“Shut up.”

“And it really didn’t take you long this time either.”

“I said _shut up. You_ came before _me_!”

“Only because I know you wouldn’t last much longer, especially with that little kink you have. Are you embarrassed about cumming from my voice _twice_ now? You’re all red.”

Hijikata rolls off of him lays on his stomach and turns his head to meet Gintoki’s gaze with a glare.

“I can’t wait to see you bottom. I’m curious to see how long you would last then. I have to admit that it’s pretty impressive that you found my good spot on the first try. That has never happened to me before.” Gintoki grins at the glare that hasn’t stopped.

“I … actually wasn’t planning to stay here this long.”

“Oh?”

“I have work in the morning.” Hijikata starts to get up, but he’s stopped by Gintoki gripping his arm tightly and pulled back for a simple, soft kiss.

“What?”

“I guess the date will come later?”

“I guess.”

“You can shower before you go … it’s everywhere.” Gintoki traces lines along his chest, careful to avoid the streaks of cum that was on it. He then preceded to lay down and fall asleep after humming contently.

_You finally decide to sleep, huh? What kind of nightmares have you been having?_

Hijikata tries not to think about it too much before he gets up to clean himself off. Gintoki was sleeping soundly for once, and that was currently all that mattered.

…

“Stay the night next time …” Gintoki mutters drowsily when he hears Hijikata enter his room to put on his jacket.

“Don’t you have kids? Kids that hate me?”

“That’s just Kagura …”

“Still …”

“You’re not that bad to be around sometimes you know…”

_His way of saying thank you, not that he needs to._

“Go back to sleep idiot.”

“Okay …” Gintoki is knocked out in no time with a silly smile on his face.

“You’re ridiculous.”

_Next time I’ll stay here with you._


End file.
